Link plus Girls equals ERROR!
by No Pain No Gain
Summary: Is it possible for the Links to get girlfriends? I don't think so... Follow Link when he is set up with the weirdest girls ever! Can the Links finally get their happy ending? Err... Not really... Rated T for very little indirect mature themes.
1. Ruto&OoT Adult Link

DISCLAIMER: Only own in my dreams… LoZ doesn't belong to me, as everyone out there guessed already… *sigh*

In this story, the author, me, appears as well. I named her Sam.

PS: SAM ISN'T MY REAL NAME! IT'S JUST A NAME I CHOSE TO COVER UP FOR MY SUPER COMPLICATED NAME THAT I WON'T GIVE OUT RIGHT NOW!

Anyways, enjoy!

***

Chapter 1: OoT Link+ Ruto

***

"So! Link! Where are we going out tonight?" Ruto asked as Link walked nervously next to her.

"_How did it come to this?"_ he thought as he looked at the enthusiastic fish-woman.

"_Oh yeah. Some maniac author set me up with a fish. A FISH FOR FREAKING GODDESSES SAKE!"_ he thought as he fired lightning with his eyes to Sam, hiding behind some bushes. She simply flashed a grin at him, then disappeared into the bushes.

"_Crap…"_ he thought as Ruto snapped a finger in front of his eyes.

"LINK! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? Listen to me!" she yelled as she stepped back.

"DON'T KILL ME!" he yelled, covering his head as Ruto gazed awkwardly at him.

"Uh… I'll ignore that… So, where are we going out for dinner tonight?" she asked.

"Some restaurant at Lake Hylia that Author… I mean… I chose… tonight…" he muttered back, gazing back at the bushes where Author was hiding.

"Well then, let's go!" she said, pulling him forward.

"_Goddesses help me…"_ Link thought as Ruto and he dove into the water and into the portal that took them to Lake Hylia.

---

Rising to the surface and gasping for air, Link looked at Ruto who was swimming peacefully in the lake.

"Come on, I don't have all night!" Link yelled as they got out of the water.

"Yes you do! Author gave you… I mean… Set you up with me for the entire night!" Ruto squealed of joy as Link slapped his forehead.

"_This is going to be a long night…"_ he thought as Ruto looked up.

"Is that where we're going?" she asked pointing at a very fancy restaurant.

"No, we're going at that one." Link said, pointing somewhere else.

Ruto's gaze wandered to where he was pointing at and her eyes widened.

"WHAT THE HELL? WERE EATING IN THAT PUB?" she yelled, pointing at the noisy, dirty, unsophisticated pub in front of them.

"No, the one behind it fish head." Link muttered.

"Don't insult my origins…" Ruto shrugged as they walked towards the restaurant.

---

"HELLO! I will be your waiter tonight! Do you have a reservation?" a man in front asked.

"Yeah… Someone took the table for us already." Link replied.

"AH! So you must be Mister InamedmyteddybearGanon (A/N: For those lazy enough to skip this word, it spells "I named my teddy bear Ganon".)" the waiter said, giggling when he said the name.

"What?" Link asked as Ruto burst into laughter.

"Yes, it's the only reservation we have. A nice young lady came in here a few minutes ago and gave us your name." The waiter replied.

"Yeah, nice my eye." Link muttered, cursing the Author silently as the waiter laughed again, then invited them to follow him.

"Please sit here." The man replied as he walked off to go get the menus.

"You named your teddy bear Ganon?" Ruto suddenly asked, giggling under her nose.

"NO! I CERTAINLY DID NOT! HIS NAME IS GANNY, NOT GANON!" he finally yelled out loud as the entire restaurant shut up, then started laughing like crazy, pointing and laughing at Link.

"Oh My Goddesses Link! You're too funny!" Ruto laughed, falling off her chair as Link moaned and grabbed his head in annoyance.

"The menus." The waiter returned, laughing like crazy.

"Thanks…" Link muttered half heartedly as he spotted Sam, hiding in a corner, video taping everything happening.

"I SAW YOU!" he yelled at her as she yelped and ran off towards the bathroom.

Link mumbled something, then stalked off towards the bathroom too.

---

When Link got to the bathroom hallway, he spotted Sam at the border, reading a green book with ribbons on it.

"HEY! THAT'S MY JOURNAL!" Link yelled as he broke into a crazy run after Author.

Sam yelped, then abruptly closed the book and ran into the girl's bathrooms. Link soon followed…

"YOU PERVERT!"

"UNDISCIPLINED!"

"CREEP!"

Link soon ran back out, yelling like crazy as an old lady ran after him, banging his head with her purse.

As soon as Link had run out of the hallway, Author stepped up.

"You can stop now, lady." She rolled her eyes as the lady finally stopped running after Link.

"But that rascal entered my bedroom without permission!" she yelled at her.

"Bedroom?" she asked, confused.

"Yes… Aren't we at my house…?" the old lady asked as Author awkwardly turned away and backed off, slowly, slowly, then ran off towards Link's table to spy on him again.

---

Link whipped out a paper from his pocket and smoothed it.

"Dear Ruto. I'd like to tell you something." Link started reading on the paper.

"If it's about the Zora Engagement Ring that you lost, it's okay! My daddy made a new one! Here it is!" she smiled at him, taking out an exact replica of the Zora's Sapphire.

"Nooo…." He smiled nervously as he kept reading.

"My dear Ruto. I think you're ugly. And you smell like fish. And your eyes are creepy." Link said, then reread what he just said.

"WHAT THE HELL?" he yelled out as Author sneaked out of her corner and switched papers in his hands.

"Uh… Sorry 'bout that… that was my text for dumping my boyfriend…" she smiled as she dashed off again.

"You'd better make up for that!" Ruto told him.

"Uh.. Right… Okay… So, Ruto. I think your scaly skin is very rough to the touch, and that your hands are slimy and comfortable to hold. Your eyes glow like seaweed, and you fins are as transparent as a jellyfi… WHO'S THE IDIOT WHO WROTE THIS?" Link yelled as Author whispered to him.

"I did. Zoras love compliments like that." She said as Link looked awkwardly at her.

"You sure you didn't get the wrong text again…?" he asked her.

"Nope." she replied as he shrugged.

"Whatever…" he mumbled as he looked at Ruto.

"OH, LINK! THOSE WERE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL COMPLIMENTS ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN ME! I LOVE YOU!" she said as Link backed up from her, sweating nervously.

"I don't!" he yelled out loud, but Ruto didn't pay attention.

"What's next?" she asked enthusiastically as Link drew up his paper again and read.

"I wish to unite my soul to yours and bring upon life many Zoras." He read, not fully understanding the concept.

"LIIIIINK!" Ruto yelled as she grabbed the decoy of the Zora Engagement Ring and put it on his finger.

"I DO! I DO!" she yelled as Link looked crookedly at Author.

"What did you make me say?" he asked her.

"You just told her you wanted to marry her and make lots of Zoras with her." She replied, shrugging innocently.

"WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOO!" he yelled as Ruto smiled awkwardly.

"What's wrong with that?" Author asked him.

"Nothing, except my kids will come out looking like salmons!" Link argued as Author raised a brow.

"Good point…" she said.

"Our dinner is here!" Ruto said as a waiter brought their plates.

"What are you eating?" she asked him.

"See for yourself." He replied, pointing at his food.

It was fish.

"DADDY?" Ruto screamed as she poked the fish with her fork, but drew up again.

"Oh, it's okay. It's only my sister, don't worry about it." She said as she started eating her food.

Link looked down at his fried fish, and turned away.

"I'm suddenly not hungry anymore…" he said, holding his breath.

---

"That was scrumptious, Link!" Ruto clapped as she finished her last bite.

"No it wasn't…" Link muttered as he looked down at the fried Zora in his plate.

"Now who's paying?" she asked. Link turned to Author.

"Don't look at me. I spent all my money on my new laptop." She shrugged as Link mumbled something about 'careless spending teens' and laid his two hundred rupees on the table.

"Well, there goes Epona's bunch of carrots for a month." He said.

Then, out of nowhere, Epona appeared at the window.

"CUT OFF MY CARROT RATIONS AND YOU WILL NOT WAKE UP TOMORROW!" she whinnied as she ran away just as quickly as she came.

"I'm sorry. I'll correct that. There goes the new clothes I wanted…" he mumbled as the clock stroke twelve.

"FINALLY! MIDNIGHT! I'M FINALLY OVER WITH THIS STUPID DATE!" Link yelled as he got up and ran outside, yelling 'FREEDOM!' the entire time.

"Link! No! We didn't pronounce our vows yet!" Ruto yelled as she ran out after him, soon followed by Author, still taping everything on video camera.

"Leave me alone, you fish! I'm free!" Link yelled as Ruto stopped.

"Do something, Author! I want him!" Ruto said as Sam stopped next to her.

"Sorry. No can do. Your time is up." She said.

"Aw…" Ruto said, looking at her straight in the eye.

"Five minutes." She said, giving her fifty dollars.

"DEAL!" Sam yelled as she grabbed the money and pocketed it.

"New Ipod touch, here I come…" she mumbled as Ruto squealed of joy and started running after Link again.

Five minutes later, she returned to Author's side.

"Five more minutes." Ruto said as Author extended her hand. Ruto put in another fifty bucks.

"I can get used to it, and since she's a princess, she'll never run out of money. I like." She grinned as she put her other fifty dollars with the rest.

And so, Ruto passed the entire night persecuting Link while paying Author. In the end, she finally got Link to sleep in the same bed as him (*cough cough* Mostly because she caught him and chained him to her wall *cough cough*.) and thankfully, Link kept as far away as possible from her, and in the morning, nothing bad had happened.

Ruto was still normal, Author didn't accept payments anymore because she had more than enough money now, and she needed to pair Link up with someone else, and Link…

Well…

Link was traumatised to the core, so he can't be used in upcoming chapters. So next chapter, we'll be seeing TP Link!

"BE CAREFUL TP LINK! THEY'RE MONSTERS! MONSTERS I TELL YOU!" OoT Link yelled as TP Link looked at him awkwardly.

"Hey, come on. What could possibly go wrong?" he asked.

"Uh… Everything?" Author grinned as she turned on her new laptop and started typing.


	2. Ilia&TP Link

Chapter 2: TP Link+ Ilia

***

"LINK! ARE WE GOING TO RIDE HORSES TONIGHT?" Ilia yelled as Link arrived on Epona and jumped down.

"Actually, we…"

"YOU HURT HER LEG JUMPING FENCES AGAIN LINK! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" she suddenly yelled, rubbing Epona's leg.

"What's the hell is wrong with you! I didn't even say a word, and you're already yelling at me!" Link yelled back.

"Technically, you said two words already." Author butted in, filming Link with her video taper.

"Author!" Link yelled in annoyance.

"Ah ah ah! Rules say it's until midnight!" she objected with an evil grin.

"Who's stupid rules are those?" he asked her.

"Mine, and they're not stupid. They make me laugh, so live with it." She said, crossing her arms.

"Somehow, I'm beginning to think that OoT Link was right…" he said, looking at Ilia. She was brushing Epona so hard that at some places, her coat was ripped and showing the inside.

"GOOD EPONA! THAT'S A GOOD HORSY!" she kept saying, smiling like a maniac as she did so.

"Shoo. Your date awaits. And by the way, that maniac locked himself in his room, cuddled up in foetal position, so there is no way he can say anything right." She objected as she disappeared in the bushes, only showing the lens of her video camera.

"Goddesses..." he mumbled as he got closed to Ilia, still brushing Epona literally to the bones.

"LINK! HELP ME! SHE'S TRYING TO KILL ME!" Epona whinnied as Ilia objected.

"NO! STAY HERE HORSY! YOUR COAT ISN'T SHINY YET! AND THEN, WE'LL GO TO THE SPRING TO TAKE A BATH, ALRIGHT?" she asked, smiling like a madman.

"NO! LAST TIME SHE DID THAT, SHE TRIED DROWNING ME!" Epona yelled as Link slapped his forehead.

"Ilia, stop killing…err… brushing Epona." He said as he grabbed her arm.

"But promise we'll get to ride her afterwards…" she said with puppy dog eyes.

"NO! NO NO NO!" Epona yelled as Ilia didn't pay attention.

"She made me jump over a six foot tall fence. I smashed into it and couldn't walk for three weeks afterwards." Epona said with a sceptical look.

"That's why you didn't come to the ranch… And because of that, Fado fired me!" Link exclaimed.

"I BLAME ILIA!" Epona yelled as she whinnied and ran away.

"Okay then… Ilia…" Link started, letting her wrist go.

"LET'S GO RIDE SOME HORSES! OR FEED THEM CARROTS! OR CLEAN THEIR POOP UP!" she proposed.

"Not the last one. Please." Link simply said as she squealed of joy and ran away, dragging him along.

"Come into my room first!" she said as they entered her house and went into her room.

The entire room was brown and smelled like horse manure. Posters of horses, horses… oh yeah… and more horses covered the walls.

"Goddesses! This is your room?" Link asked her, closing his nose to escape the stench.

"Yes! You like it!?" she asked enthusiastically.

"Frankly, no." he mumbled, rolling his eyes.

"YES YOU DO!" she roared as she pulled him forward.

"And this is my favourite horse type, and this is Princess Zelda's horse, and this is King Bulblin's horse…" she started, poking the pictures on her wall with her finger.

"Wait… King Bulblin had a horse!? I thought he only rode boars!" Link told her.

"He doesn't ride them, you dumbass. He eats them!" she started crying.

"Uh…" Link replied, not knowing what to say.

"Let's go outside…" he suggested.

"OKAY! LET'S GO HAVE SOME FUN WITH HORSES!" she yelled excitedly as she ran out, dragging Link along with her.

---

Link picked up a horse calling grass and blew into it. Epona's song bounced off the canyon walls. While they waited for Epona to come, Ilia asked.

"Link? Why don't you use my horse call?" she asked.

"Uh…"

"_I would, but I can't since I kinda dropped it in King Bulblin's boar's food, and the pig ate it."_ He thought, but replied.

"Um… I like hygiene… I don't know if you had already used it before…" he mumbled.

"Of course I have! Except that I kept blowing on it, and only saliva came out, so I gave up. It was too wet to use anyways." She shrugged.

"EEEW! Did you know you needed to blow IN the horse call, not ON it?" he asked her.

"Really? Woops…" she innocently shrugged as Link held his breath.

All the times he had used the horse call…

"THAT'S DISGUSTING!" he yelled.

"I didn't know, okay?" she argued as Epona arrived.

"What now, Link?" she asked, noticing Ilia.

"NO! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO YOU!" she screamed as she tried running away, but Link held her reins.

"No. Bad Epona." Ilia spoke in a retarded manner as if she hadn't noticed that the horse was talking.

"We just need a lift!" Link argued.

"Not with her! Ditch her, and I'll take you anywhere you want!" Epona said.

"What's wrong with her?" Link asked.

"Look at her! She's scaring the wits out of me!" Epona said as Link looked at Ilia.

She was holding a brush with bits and pieces of dried skin, apparently Epona's on it. He other hand was full of greenish carrots.

"EPONA! I WILL BRUSH YOU AND FEED YOU SNACKS!" she yelled like a maniac.

"Help me Link!" Epona whimpered.

"Ok." He replied as he walked towards Ilia.

"Ilia, show me your stuff." He demanded as Ilia gave him her brush and carrots.

Link eyed her stuff in disbelief, throwing them away.

"ARE YOU CRAZY? All this time, you've been feeding my horse rotted carrots and brushing her with a nail carrier! He said.

"Really? Oops… I thought the carrots were supposed to be green, and that the pointy edges of the brush were made to comb more easily." She said as she shrugged. "OOPSIES!" she giggled crazily as Link backed away slowly.

"See what I mean?" Epona asked him.

"Yes, I do. And I'm stuck with her for the entire evening!" he complained.

"Hey, I'm stuck with her every time you're off somewhere saving some pretty princess." Epona snorted.

"Hey! She was secretly offering me two thousand rupees!" he argued, remembering the scene.

"_Link, please save Hyrule…" Zelda asked him._

"_Why should I?" he asked, crossing his arms._

"_Because if you do, I'll give you two thousand rupees." She replied._

"_DEAL!" Link yelled as they shook hands._

"Good times, good times…" he remembered as Ilia dragged him away.

"Aw, screw Epona! Let's go somewhere!" she yelled at him as she dragged him across the bridge linking Ordon to Faron Woods.

---

The rest of the evening was super boring, so Author didn't bother writing it down, as well as video taping it. All Ilia did was talk about horses and how much she loved them, and all Link did was sleep.

Of course, as soon as the poor boy closed his eyes, Ilia kept slapping him, waking him up again.

"Goddesses Ilia… Leave me alone!" he mumbled as Ilia slapped him again.

"NO! THERE'S STILL FIVE MINUTES UNTIL MIDNIGHT! I STILL HAVE YOU FOR FIVE MINUTES!" she yelled.

"Five minutes that seem like an eternity…" he mumbled as Ilia started talking about horses again.

---

"Okay Ilia! Five minutes are up!" Author cut in as she woke up form her nap and headed for the couple.

Ilia was busy tattooing permanently the image of a horse… on Link's back.

"Look at my piece of art!" she exclaimed, pointing at the headless horse, embedded in Link's skin.

"AUTHOR! HELP ME!" Link screamed as he winced in pain because Ilia had no certification whatsoever in tattooing, so she had cut much too deeply in his skin.

"I can get that off for you…" Sam replied.

"Really?" Link asked her.

"I'm the Author, I can do anything. Besides…" she said, rolling her eyes. "Horses give me the creeps, as well as Ilia…" she mumbled as she took her laptop and typed that the tattoo had magically disappeared form Link's back.

"THANK THE GODDESSES!" Link exclaimed as it all went away.

"Aw… Now we gotta do it all over again!" Ilia said, putting her needle up in the air again.

"No! Bad Ilia! Leave some other girl to torture… I MEAN… to spend some time with Link!" Author argued before she could stick that in his skin, and pushed her away, making her tumble down the stairs.

"I LOVE HORSEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!" she yelled as she finally hit the bottom with a groan.

"HOW COME SHE WON'T DIE ALREADY?" Link complained.

"Because she's an NPC (Non-Playable Character). Don't blame me, I didn't create the game." Sam shrugged.

"Crap…" Link mumbled.

"Well, look on the bright side! Your date is finally over!" Author tried cheering him up.

"Yeah! And if I see one more horse tonight… I'm gonna go crazy…" he mumbled as Ilia ran back up the stairs with a broken tooth and a bleeding nose, as well as a broken arm.

"LINK! YOU FORGOT YOUR JINGLE BOX AND HORSE TAIL ACCESSORIES!" she yelled as she threw him a plastic horse tail and a box. Link opened the box and inside was a plastic horse, twirling around on itself while the music played.

"I LOVE HORSES, YOU LOVE HORSES, THEY'RE ALL HAPPY LITTLE HORSIES! WITH A GREAT BIG BRUSH AND CARROTS OUT OF BOUNDARIES, NO MORE CRYING LIL' HORSIES!" the stupid song (on the tune of 'I love you' from Barney) kept playing over and over again, but Link could've stopped it anytime.

Unfortunately, he didn't, because he was too busy twitching erratically on the floor.

"No… More… Horses Goddess dammit!" he mumbled incoherently as Ilia started singing along to the stupid tune.

"I LOVE HORSES! YOU LOVE HORSES! THEY'RE ALL HAPPY LITTLE HORSIES!" she yelled with an awful voice as Author made her disappear.

"Gah… Too… many… Horses…" Link kept twitching as Author yawned.

"I'm tired of this horse-full day… I'm outta here!" she said as she waved at Link and disappeared.

"NOOOOOO!" Link yelled as he turned around and saw the box with the plastic horse in it. It kept playing over and over again.

Just then, the song finished, but the horse neighed. It neighed long and loud, very VERY long, for that matter.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Link yelled, eyes twitching as well as body.


	3. A Little Break From the Randomness

Chapter 3: A Little Break From The Randomness

***

"Where's TP Link?" Author asked the next morning.

"They took him to OoT Link's room." Midna replied, sipping coffee.

"Crap…" Author mumbled as she got up form her bed and grabbed a cup of French vanilla coffee before going to OoT Link's room.

---

_Knock knock knock_

Sam didn't wait for a reply as she simply stepped inside.

"This is creepy." She commented as she stepped in the room.

OoT Link was there, still curled up in a foetal position on his bed, eyed widened to the maximum, teeth clattering uncontrollably.

"Good morning OoT Link." Author greeted as she walked past him.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" OoT Link yelled as he burst into tears. Author only gazed awkwardly at him before proceeding.

She then came to a black figure on the ground.

"Dark Link? What the hell? What did you do? Why did they send you here?" Sam asked as she kneeled next to him to check what he was doing.

There were black lines under his eyes, dripping down his cheeks. His face was twisted in a depressed way, though his red eyes glowed like fire. He was carving the Triforce in his skin with a fork.

"Must…. Cut… Triforce…" Dark Link mumbled, trying to poke his flesh with the fork.

"Why not use a knife?" Author asked.

"They won't give me any…" Dark Link mumbled as he finally made a gash in his skin with the fork.

"So… Why'd they send you here?" Author asked again.

"They didn't send me here. I came on my own…" he mumbled crazily.

"Okay…" she replied, stepping away slowly, then turning around and walking away.

"_That Emo-ism can be a problem on a long term… gotta remember to remedy that…"_ she thought as she sipped some coffee and walked away from Dark Link who was now trying to poke the inside of his skin through the gash he made on his arm.

Then, she finally got to TP Link.

He was in a straightjacket, eyes crossed, tongue out, banging himself into a wall.

"The hell is your problem?" Author asked as she got close to him.

"Horses… horses… Horses… I love horse… no… We all love horses… Brushing and carrots… Na Na Na Na…" he mumbled incoherently as he sang the 'I Love Horses' Theme Song, still banging himself into the wall.

"Why are you hitting yourself?" she asked, sipping more coffee calmly.

"Make them go away… Give them to Ilia… no… There they are… Get them… Riding horsies all day long…" he mumbled as he ran into the wall.

"Ok then.. Keep banging yourself… I'll be in the living room playing Wing Waker if you need me…" she replied as she backed away and headed for the door, looking once more at Dark Link who was now cutting his other arm, having already ruined the other. Then, she looked at OoT Link, still curled up in a ball, then she exited the madhouse.

---

"I just had the weirdest morning…" Author said as she got down the stairs and grabbed the Gamecube controller and turned on her Wii.

"Tell me about it." Midna replied as she sat down next to her and sipped some more coffee.

""Where did you come from?" Author asked as she pointed at the screen with her Wii remote and selected the Gamecube section.

"You decided to add me, just like that." Midna replied as Author nodded.

"Oh yeah… Oh well." She said, selecting the first file on the file selection screen.

"Isn't that Link?" Midna asked as she pointed at Wind Waker Link, getting shot out of a barrel.

"Yeah…" Sam replied as she pointed and laughed at Link when he hit the wall.

"Well… Aren't you thinking what I'm thinking?" she asked her.

"Uh… Tacos?" Author asked as she grabbed a barrel and hid inside it, then crept past the searchlights.

"No you idiot!" Midna yelled at her.

"Hey! No mean words or I'll set you up with Dark Link." Author threatened as Midna's eyes widened.

"NO! PLEASE! NOT THAT EMO FREAK!" she said, gasping of horror.

"Good then." She replied, avoiding some Moblin guards.

"Okay… So… Don't you get it?" Midna asked again.

"Oh yeah…" Author finally caught on as she realized that Wind Waker Link was eligible for a pairing.

"Let's get writing!" she grinned evilly as she saved her game, closed it, grabbed her laptop and started writing the next chapter.


	4. Tetra& WW Link

Chapter 4: WW Link+ Tetra

***

"Take me to some fancy pink ballroom, and I'll shoot you out of a cannon." Tetra mumbled as she looked at WW Link.

"That sounds so déjà vu…" Link mumbled.

"Whatever. Come on." Tetra said as she gestured towards her ship.

---

As they got up aboard the ship, Link waved at everyone who stared back at him awkwardly. Maybe it's because he wasn't wearing any pants.

"Uh… Link… Why aren't you wearing any pants…? Tetra asked as Link gazed down at his Bob the Builder underwear.

"Uh… Author told me it would be a chick magnet…" Link replied as Author snickered evilly from behind a crate on board.

"Yeah, more like cash magnet…" she snickered as she counted the cash some adoring fans had paid her to make WW Link go out with Tetra in his underwear.

"Riiiight…" Tetra said as she looked away, taking him down to the bottom floor.

"So! What are we doing today?" Link asked her.

"Follow me." Tetra simply answered as she stepped on a switch. Instantly, some platform rose up, and she jumped on the first one, then grabbed onto a rope and swung to the next one.

"SWEET!" Link commented as she made it to the other side.

"Thank you. Now come on, lazy ass." She said as she stepped inside the cabin on the other side.

"WOW! I CAN'T WAIT TO DO THAT!" Link yelled as he stepped on the switch and jumped onto the first platform.

Unfortunately, Author decided to bug him and lowered the platform just when he jumped on it.

"WHAT?" Link yelled as he fell to the ground face first.

Moaning in pain, he got back up, climbed the ladder, stepped on the switch again, and jumped.

This time, Author decided to cut off the first rope. So she grabbed one of Tetra's scimitars and hurled it at the rope Link was on.

"CUT THAT OUT!" he yelled as he fell to the ground and smacked his head against the ground.

"Crap…" he mumbled as he got back up.

Heading up the ladders, he tried again. This time, Author decided to let him get to the other side.

"Finally!" Link said as he swung to safety.

"And get a book in thrown in the face." Author added from her corner.

"What?" Link asked as Tetra threw a book in his face, making him stumble off the ledge and land where 'the world isn't very bright'. Clutching it, he whimpered, then got up and staggered to the ladder.

Author was too busy pointing and laughing to stop him from getting to the other side this time.

Link sighed of relief as he checked for any incoming books, then entered Tetra's cabin.

"Took you long enough." She commented as he stepped in.

"You threw a book in my face!" he objected.

"Author made me do it! Besides. The look on your face when you hit the ground… priceless… I video taped it all, and now Author is busy uploading it on Youtube." She laughed as Link looked out of the cabin. Indeed, Author had linked the camera to her laptop and was snickering while waiting for something to download.

"No! Why do you people hate me so much?" Link started crying.

"We don't hate you… It's just that I'm getting paid to set you up with a girl. The rest is your problem." Author replied, getting back to uploading.

"Hey! Coming from the girl who made me fall three times!" Link yelled at her as he stepped inside Tetra cabin and sat in front of her.

"So… What now…?" Tetra asked.

"Wanna do some drugs?"

"LINK!" Tetra yelled, but Link looked surprised.

"I didn't say anything…" he said as someone stepped out of the shadows.

"I got perfect pot right here… Free, for a pretty lass such as you…" the man said.

"NIKO! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? I'M ONLY TWELVE YOU BASTARD!" Tetra said as she grabbed Niko, stuffed the smoking pot in his mouth, tied him up like a sausage, put him in a barrel and shot him into the ocean.

"There…" she said, wiping the dust off of her hands.

"SWEET!" Link commented as he looked at the catapult.

"Yeah well… Whatever…" she said as she sat back down and stared at Link.

"Uh… We can spread bait and control seagulls…" he proposed as she smiled.

"No, I have a better idea. I'll do something else." She grinned evilly as she grabbed her arrows and bow, and they both exited the room, and walked onto the top part of the deck.

"Okay then.. Watch this!" Link grinned childishly as he put a pear on his head and waited for a seagull to come.

It wasn't long until the seagull floating around came and picked the pear up, eating it. The magic powers struck in, making Link control the seagull.

"Look at this, Tetra!" he said as he made the seagull fly and twirl in the air.

"GOT IT!" she suddenly yelled as an arrow whizzed into the seagull, impaling it brutally. Link snapped out of his trance as the dead seagull fell onto top of Niko's barrel, still floating in the water at open sea.

"What was that for?" Link asked her as she looked at her shot.

"Clean shot. I'm getting good!" she smiled.

"I need to protect myself you know. Those goons aboard that call themselves pirates and try to sneak into my room to look at my bras… I MEAN… stuff… err… Well… SOMEONE'S GOTTA REPEL THEM!" she argued as Link shot her an awkward look, then looked away.

"Maybe we should do something else…" he suggested.

"TAKE POT!" Niko yelled from the ocean.

"SHUT UP!" Tetra yelled back, cocking an arrow and sending it at Niko. Link turned around to avoid seeing Niko impaled on it.

"Ok… We should definitely do something else." Link suggested.

"Okay. But first, I need to go to the little pirate's room." She said as she led him down and stopped in front of her room.

"Stay here. I'll be right back." She said as she went down to the little pirate's room.

Link waited for a while, then got bored.

"What's this room?" he asked to a passing pirate.

"It's Miss Tetra's room! It's full of nice under… I MEAN… nice posters of hot pirates and her stuff… erm… gotta go…" the pirate mumbled as he ran away.

"_Got nothing else to do."_ Link thought as he entered Tetra's room. At first, he gazed at the posters on the walls, then noticed a chest.

"_What's in there?_" he thought as he went over and opened it.

He closed his eyes and grabbed something in it. Dragging it out, he realized what it was.

"_Tetra's BRAS!"_ he thought as he blushed and looked at the piece of clothing he was holding.

"_Crap, Tetra's gonna kill me!"_ he thought.

"LINK! YOU PERVERT!"

"_Crap, too late…"_ he thought as Tetra shot an arrow at him, piercing his stomach. Unfortunately, Author didn't let Link die yet, because Tetra needed to do something else with him.

Tetra went over and grabbed her bras, setting them back in the chest. Closing the chest, she grabbed Link and took him to the deck.

"See that, pervert boy? That's the forsaken fortress, your new best friend." She snarled as she put Link in a barrel.

"What? No! Lemme go! I didn't do it on purpose!" he yelled as Tetra put him on the catapult.

"SAYONARA, SUCKER!" she yelled as she launched him.

"GODDESS DAMMIT TETRAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!" Link yelled as he went flying through the air towards the now dangerously close walls of the Forsaken Fortress.

"_Goddesses, this is gonna hurt…"_ he thought as the barrel finally smashed on the wall, pinning Link against it.

"_I think I felt my ribs break…"_ he thought as he fell down.

Unfortunately, Tetra was drunk a little, and had thrown him in the far side of the Fortress. Link fell down outside the walls and landed on a spike… on… one particular spot… erm… Then, he fell, and hit his underside again, unable to say a word in extreme pain. Falling again, he finally hit himself on the last spike before sinking into the water.

---

"Great. Now we gotta go fish him out…" Author sighed as Tetra shrugged.

"He was looking at my undergarments. I couldn't do anything else than shoot him out of a catapult…" she said.

"Great…" Sam sighed, grabbing her forehead in exasperation.

"Just tie Aryll to a fishing line. He'll spring up wherever, whenever he is to save her.

"Good idea." Author agreed as she suddenly made Aryll appear and tied her to the fishing line. Throwing her into the water, she waited until Link came to her rescue.

"Hey Sam!" Aryll yelled.

"What?" she yelled back.

"Link's entire body is broken! He can't move, even to save me!" she said, gazing into the water.

"Crap…" she muttered as she brought Aryll back up, then ordered Link to appear next to her.

Link magically appeared next to her, body deformed at a particular angle, arms and legs twisted weirdly.

"Well, that will be a problem…" Author muttered as she snapped her fingers. Instantly, she and Link disappeared form the pirate ship.

---

Reappearing in OoT Link's room, she carried Link up to a bed and set him down. Then, she took her laptop and wrote that Link had been wrapped up in bandages and casts. Immediately, Link's body became fully white, with only his eyes remaining through the bandages.

Then, she turned to the other inhabitants of the madhouse.

"Anyone who touches him will be paired up with Ruto and Ilia." She warned them as OoT Link and TP Link yelled together.

"DON'T DO IT! DON'T DO IIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!" they yelled as OoT kept sucking his thumb in foetal position and TP Link started banging himself into the wall harder.

"Goddess dammit, I don't know where this will end…" Sam sighed as she closed the door and exited the room.


	5. Saria& OoT Young Link

Chapter 5: OoT Young Link+ Saria

***

"Hey Saria!" Link greeted her as he jumped down from his tree house, breaking an ankle on the landing.

"What the hell was that for? How can I go on a date with her if I have a broken ankle!?" Link yelled at Author, who was still hiding behind a bush, video taping the entire thing.

"Ok ok, relax…" she mumbled as she took out her laptop and changed the 'broken' to 'twisted'.

"You had to make me get hurt, didn't you?" Link asked her.

"Yeah well, I love torturing you guys, what can I say." Author shrugged as Saria helped Link up.

"Come on! Today, we're going to the Sacred Forest Meadow!" she cheered as Link followed her to the Lost Woods.

"Wait… isn't that the place with the patrolling Moblins?" Link asked.

"Yeah well, I'm sure you'll kill them for me, won't you…?" she asked with a sweet smile.

"Of course, princess." He mumbled as they made their way through the lost forest.

"I think we're lost…" Link suddenly mumbled.

"What? How can we get lost! This is the Lost Woods! There's no way we'll get lost!" Saria replied matter-of-factly.

"Who's the idiot who made me say that?" Saria yelled.

"Me, and call me an idiot one more time, and I'll tell Link the name of you favourite teddy bear." Author replied, sitting high up in a tree, typing on her laptop.

"NO! THAT'S CLASSIFIED INFORMATION! NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO KNOW THAT MY TEDDY BEAR'S NAME IS MIDO!" she screamed as Link looked at her incredulously.

"You named your teddy bear after that creep?" he asked her.

"Well… There had to be some way to remember him… After all, he did die impaled by a Moblin last year…" she tried finding an excuse.

"Oh…" Link said, then looked crookedly at Author.

"It's called revenge. He'll never tell me again to go find a sword and shield. That'll teach him to mess with me." She shrugged from atop her tree.

"Okay… I don't want to get on your bad side…" Link mumbled.

"Of course not. No one does." She replied with an evil grin.

"Okay then…" Saria mumbled, embarrassed, as Link sighed and held her hand.

"Come on. Let's get moving…" he mumbled as he dragged her away.

---

"FINALLY! THE FOREST TEMPLE!" Link yelled as they finally got to the clearing.

"Who knew? It only took us three months, two weeks, six days, seven hours, fifty-four minutes and thirty-six seconds to get out of that maze and get here!" Saria cheered enthusiastically.

"Ok… We're going in… Grab on, and don't let go… It's dangerous, you might slam into a wall or something..." Link said as she whipped out his hookshot. Saria giggled and put her arms around his waist.

"Hold on!" he smiled as he fired the hookshot at the leaning branch overhead.

He and Saria flew through the air. Saria landed safely on the raised platform, but Link slammed into the wall.

"Owwie…" he mumbled as he peeled off the wall and fell back down.

"You okay?" Saria asked as landed face first on the ground.

"Do I look like it?" he mumbled as he pinched his bleeding nose to make it stop.

Saria seemed to ponder for a while, then answered.

"Yup! Let's go now!" she smiled as she dragged Link up and dragged him inside the temple.

---

"Which room should we go in?" she asked as they eyed the hundred rooms around them.

"That one!" Link said as he pointed a random room.

"Okay." Saria answered as they got to the door and opened it.

Inside were…. TWO Moblins?

"Martha, please, marry me…" one Moblin put a knee to the ground in front of the other.

"Oh, Harold… I don't know what to say.. I… I…" the girl said, then she finally noticed the two dumbfounded kids at the entrance.

"HAROLD! GET THEM!" she screamed as the guy Moblin got up, grabbed his spear and lunged for the door.

"CRAP!" Link yelled as he slammed the door closed into the Moblin's face, making the faint outline of the creature appear through the sturdy wooden door.

"Harold?" they simply heard, accompanied by a faint moan, then they walked away silently.

"Now what?" Saria asked.

"Let's try that one." Link suggested as they opened a door.

"BOO!" out of nowhere, Beetle Juice appeared from the door and scared the wits out of the two kids.

"Say my name three times now!" he taunted them as he fired lightning at them with his eyes.

"GAAAAH! IT SCARES MEEEE!" Link yelled as he hid behind Saria.

"Don't worry Link. I'll take care of it!" she said as she spit in her palms, rubbed them together, cracked them, then looked at Beetle Juice.

"Mister, your shoes are tacky." She simply said.

"NOOO! THEY'RE NOT TACKY!!!! SHUT UP! AAAAH!" Beetle Juice yelled, ripping his hair out as he disappeared as suddenly as he came in.

"There. Done." Saria said as Link peeked out from behind her.

"Now let's try that one." Link suggested as they opened a door, then quickly closed it again.

"Not a good idea… What about that one?" Link asked, red from head to toes.

"Yeah… Good idea…" Saria blushed as they opened the door.

Instantly, the Pirates of the Caribbean theme song, _He's a Pirate_, started playing out of nowhere. Jack Sparrow jumped out of the door with a chest in his hands.

"CLOSE THAT DOOR NOW! SHOO!" he waved dismissingly at them as Link closed the door. The moment he did, the heavy outlines of a man's body's shape slammed through the door.

The man had a hat and a long, tentacle-like beard. He also had a lot of deformations of his body.

"Well, there goes Davy Jones." Jack sighed happily as he took the chest and walked away.

"Okay wait.. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN OUR FIC?" Saria yelled as Jack looked at him.

"Ah, little girl… I don't know, you opened that door for me." He replied as he walked away.

Still out of nowhere, Will Turner appeared and pointed his sword at him.

"Jack, give me the chest. I need it to save my father." He panted.

"No can do, William. I need it to save my soul." Jack coolly replied as Link and Saria watched the exchange in utter confusion.

"Please Jack. I don't want to hurt you." Will breathed with a determined glint in his eyes.

"I don't either. So just turn around and go back to your darling what's- her-face." He said, still acting all cool and relaxed.

"It's Elizabeth." Will breathed.

Suddenly, out of thin air like always, Elizabeth Swan appeared and ran for Jack.

"JACK!" she yelled as she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him deeply.

"WHAT THE F- IS GOIN' ON HERE?" Will yelled as Elizabeth kissed Jack even more, then suddenly let him go.

"There. Quickly Will! Grab the chest and lets go!" she pressed him as Jack looked down on him wrist. A shackle was wrapped around his wrist.

"CRAP! NOT THE 'I KISS YOU AND CHAIN YOU UP AT THE SAME TIME' TRICK AGAIN!" he stomped his foot as Will grabbed the Dead Man's Chest from his hands and ran away with Elizabeth.

"Crap… Hey kid, mind untying me?" Jack asked, motioning to Saria.

"Uh… Why not use lantern oil to slip that chain off?" she asked him.

"Because one, if I did that, the Kraken would pop out of nowhere and eat me. Two, I would, but I don't have a sword, and there are no lanterns with oil here…" he shrugged.

"Good point. Well, can't help you now, we're too small… I guess Author will get you out of there someday. BYE NOW!" Link said as he grabbed Saria and pulled her into a room.

"That was weird…" Saria commented when Link closed the door.

"Yeah… Wonder where Author is all this time…" Link said, looking around. Sam wasn't there.

"Anyways…" Link coughed as another door appeared on the wall out of thin air, and it slammed open, with Edward Cullen from Twilight running out of it.

"BELLA! BELLA?" he screamed as he spotted Saria and Link.

"Wait a minute… I'm not in the Twilight world…" he muttered, looking around at the gloomy temple walls.

"Of course not. You're in the Legend of Zelda world. Go get your own fic." Saria said, frowning.

"Oh… Well… If you happen to see a young girl, please call me…" he muttered as he disappeared.

"Is he gone?"

Saria and Link turned around, curious to see who it was this time.

"Is he gone?" a girl repeated as she got down from the ceiling.

"How did you hide up there? That's against the laws of physics!!" Link argued.

"I don't know. Seems that Author hadn't taken Physics courses yet." She shrugged.

"Hey. I'm Bella. A few days ago, I moved into this town where I met this guy who saved my life, but turns out he's a vampire, so help me." The girl said.

"Oh! You're the Bella that guy was looking for?" Link asked.

"Who? Edward? Yeah, he probably wants to give me to his little… friends…" Bella shrugged.

"SOMEONE SAID BELLA HERE!" Edward yelled as he slammed the door open and saw Bella standing there.

"OH MY GOD BELLA!" he yelled as Bella shrieked like a little girl and ran away, still followed by Edward.

Out of nowhere, cowboys appeared in the room with their horses and ran around the place. Then, Barney came in, singing the 'I love you' song, when a sword stuck right through him and he fell down, motionless.

From behind him, Marth from Fire Emblem appeared and sheathed his Barney-blood stained sword. Glancing around, he saw the crazy mess and with a yell, he jumped into the melee. Then, Caillou comes in and starts singing "I'm a big kid now!" from the Pull-ups commercial. Everyone stops for a moment and looks at him incredulously.

"SHUT UP!" someone yelled from behind Caillou. He was instantly sucked into a pink ball, then spit back out with a missing head.

"What the hell?" Link yelled as a pink ball with Caillou's head appeared.

"I AM KIRBY! AND I WILL RULE THE WORLD!" the pink ball yelled as the lion from Narnia ran over him and disappeared into the melee that had restarted again.

And, finally, Lyra Belacqua stepped into the room and looked around confusedly.

"Has anyone seen my daemon?" she asked as no one paid attention. She looked around and spotted Navi, who was there for some reason that no one knew about.

"PANTALAIMON!" she yelled as she pointed at Navi.

"What? I'm Navi! Link's totally annoying fairy!" she yelled as Link pushed her forward.

"She meant that she was Panta-whatever his name is, and that she's your daemon." Link said as Lyra squealed of joy and grabbed Navi, dragging her away from the room.

"Let's get away from this madness!" Saria yelled over the sounds of Marth cutting a cowboy's horse's tail off. Ilia popped out of nowhere and screamed, grabbing the tail and disappearing again.

"Good idea…" Link said as he dragged her outside.

Jack was still tied to a post by a shackle.

"What about now? Will you free me now?" he asked.

"Well, Author will have to free you some day…" Link shrugged as they walked past him and into another room.

Jack simply shrugged as he took out a compass and opened it.

"Show me what I want most right now." He muttered as the compass pointed behind him.

Jack gave a questioning look, then reached for behind him. He took out a bottle of rum.

"How did that get there?" he asked, looking at the compass. It was pointing at the rum.

"Oh well. Who cares." He smiled as he gulped the entire content of the bottle down.

---

"Where is Author in all this time?" Saria asked.

"THERE SHE IS!" Link yelled as they saw Author, lying sprawled on the ground with her laptop next to her, with books and magazines all around her. A Youtube video page was open on her screen.

"What the hell did she do?" Link asked as they got close.

One of the books around her was the Twilight book. The other was the Northern Lights book (A/N:Golden Compass is the name of the movie. Thanks to Teros for pointing that out). Then, there was a DVD played next to her, playing Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End. And, a TV, with a Wii and Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn plugged in on it.

Her Youtube screen was open on a Barney and Caillou parody video, and another one was open on a Super Smash Bros Brawl fight with Kirby vs. Metaknight in it.

One of the magazines next to her had the Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess article in it, then, a little Chronicles of Narnia advertisement. Then, a documentary on horses in the Wild West was there too.

And finally, her little sister was there, writing nonsense about Beetle Juice.

"Shoo, you!" Saria waved the eight year old off as the girl raised her shoulders, then disappeared.

"Hey, Author! Wake up!" Link yelled in her ear.

"Why isn't she waking?" Link asked Saria.

"Maybe because she has those earphones on…" Saria pointed out, pointing at the inconspicuous earphones in Author's ears.

Link took them out, and suddenly, the Pirates of the Caribbean theme song, He's a Pirate, played out loud.

"Okay…. Maybe now she'll wake up." Saria said as Link yelled again.

"AUTHOR!" he yelled as Sam shot up.

"What? What about Davy Jones slamming into the door!?" she yelled as she rubbed her eyes.

"Morning already?" she asked.

"I don't know, we're in the Forest Temple, we can't see…" Link shrugged.

"Yeah, and your little sister was typing something about Beetle Juice while you were asleep." Saria told her.

"Ugh…" Author moaned as she snapped. Her entire equipment, except her laptop, disappeared.

"I was looking for inspiration, and I guess I fell asleep over the Caillou and Barney parody…" she yawned as she grabbed her laptop and smiled.

"Well, thanks for waking me up!" she smiled as she disappeared again.

"Okay…" Link muttered.

"Uh… Now what?" Saria blushed.

"Saria, can I finally say something?" Link asked her.

"Yeah, why not?" she blushed.

"Saria, I need to tell you…" he said, drawing close.

"Yes Link?" she blushed, getting even closer.

"Saria, from the day we met…" Link said, leaning his face over hers'.

"Yes Link?" she asked, tears of joy glinting in her eyes.

"Saria… I've been dying to tell you…" he said as he breathed in deep and set his lips one inch away from hers'.

"I love you…" he said as he closed his eyes to kiss her.

Suddenly, Young Link transformed into Adult Link, growing up seven years older than Saria.

"EEEW! PEDOPHILE!" she yelled as she slapped him and disappeared in a green glow.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Link yelled as he dropped to his knees, becoming a young boy again.

Author reappeared, snickering, beside him.

"Okay, that was soooo much fun to write!" she laughed as Young Link started crying.

"Okay, okay. I know where this is going. Come on." She rolled her eyes as she snapped her fingers, and she and Link disappeared from the Forest Temple.

---

Reappearing in OoT Link's room, becoming even more populated now, Sam made Young Link walk past OoT Link, who was still crouched in foetal position, they passed Dark Link who had cut both his arms and was now working on cutting a line from his eyes to his cheeks with his fork, they passed TP Link who was still banging himself into the wall, they passed WW Link who was still in a coma, and then, Sam made Young Link sit down in a corner.

"Good. Now there's your lifetime supply of alcoholised Lon Lon milk." She shrugged as she pointed at a hell lot of milk bottles stacked upon each other.

Young Link, still while crying, grabbed one of the bottles, opened the cap and started drinking, still crying. Finishing the bottle, he kept crying as he finished another, then another, then another.

"ENJOY YOUR NEW ROOMMATE GUYS!" Sam yelled as she disappeared. As soon as she did, all the Links started talking to him.

"DO YOU LIKE HORSES?"

"RUTO IS EEEEEVIIIIIIL!!!!!!"

"MMM! MMM! MMMMMMM!"

"I'm emo and proud. Yup. Life sucks."

"SARIAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" Young Link cried as he drowned himself into another bottle of alcoholised Lon Lon milk.


	6. Another Break from the Randomness

Chapter 6: A Break From The Randomness

***

TP Ganondorf appeared in the living room with WW Ganondorf, where Sam was busy playing Wind Waker and whooping Ganondorf's ass big time.

"HEY! THAT'S ME!" Wind Waker Ganondorf screamed as he pointed at himself with a sword stuck through his forehead.

"Yeah, and now you're dead." Sam said as WW Ganondorf fell over, dead cold.

"Ugh, not in the fic, you idiot! In the game!" she growled as Ganondorf came back to life.

"Oh, okay!" he smiled.

"What's up with him?" Midna asked as she stepped in, sipping from a 2L bottle of coke.

"Ever since I showed him my awesome transforming skills, he's been acting strange…" TP Ganondorf said.

"Which transforming skills? All you did was turn into a giant pig!" Midna laughed, chocking on her coke.

"THESE TRANSFORMING SKILLS!" TP Ganondorf yelled as he raised his left fist. The Triforce of Power blinked on it.

Author, who was drinking iced tea, spit it all back out and chocked on it.

"DID HE JUST GIVE ME THE FINGER? I THOUGHT ZELDA WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A KID'S GAME!" she chocked as TP Ganondorf rolled his eyes in extreme annoyance.

"NO! IT'S THE TRIFORCE OF POWER!" he objected.

"Riiiight…." Author calmed down a little, grabbing her bottle of 2L ice tea again and sipping from it with a straw.

Ganondorf's form shifted, then he grew, taking the shape of a giant monster on four legs.

"HOW COME HE GETS TO HAVE AWESOME TRANSFORMING SKILLS AND NOT ME? ALL I DO IS TURN INTO A DAMN PUPPET!" WW Ganondorf argued.

"There. I'll make you happy." Author yawned as she grabbed her laptop and typed something on it. Immediately after she saved her document, TP Ganondorf's form decreased, becoming very small. In the end, there was only…

A pink bunny left…

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!" The entire room laughed as little bunny Ganondorf put his paws on his hips.

"HEY! NOT FUNNY!" he squeaked in a measly voice.

"No way! That's' Ganondorf?" OH MY GODDESSES!!!" Midna was choking on her laughter and coke, sprawled on the floor.

Tinkie-Winkie from Teletubbies appeared from the door and started giggling while slapping his own television stomach.

"Where did he come from?" OoT Zelda asked as she stepped in with her best friend, TP Zelda.

"I don't know…" Author muttered, typing that that idiot was gone. Tinkie-Winkie instantly disappeared.

"AAAW! WHAT A CUTE BUNNY!" TP Zelda finally noticed as she bent down and took TP Ganondorf in her arms.

"DON'T CUDDLE ME! IT WEARS OFF MY EVILNESS!" he objected, but TP Zelda didn't pay attention and kept hugging him.

"I'll name you Fluffy, and I'll make you my pet! And you'll be loved for and cared for, and I'll brush you and feed you everyday!" Zelda giggled, twirling Ganondorf in the air.

"Someone help meeeeeee!" he yelled as they twirled in the air.

"For some reason, she reminds me of Ilia and horses…" Midna shrugged as Ilia popped out of nowhere.

"WHO CALLED ME?" she yelled with a crazy smile as Author pointed at her.

"No one did. Now go to hell." She muttered as Ilia disappeared. Ten seconds later, she came back.

"Hell was full, so they sent me back!" she giggled as everyone backed away instinctively.

"Err… Then go get lost!" Midna screamed as she giggled and disappeared again. Twenty seconds later, she reappeared, still giggling like a maniac.

"I got lost, but then I found myself, so I brought myself back home!" she giggled as everyone groaned in annoyance.

"Ugh! Go somewhere and stop bothering us!" WW Ganondorf yelled at her.

"But go where?" she asked innocently.

"GAH! OOT Malon!" Author yelled as Malon came in with a wide grin.

"Yeah?" she asked.

"Malon, this is Ilia. Ilia, this is Malon. She loves horses. Now go play somewhere." Author waved as Ilia's and Malon's eyes got filled with tears of joy.

"Are you a member of the Poney-Poney club?" Ilia asked her.

"I'M THE CREATOR OF THE CLUB!" Malon yelled, throwing her hands up in the air.

"EEEEEEK! I TOTALLY LOVE THAT CLUB!" she yelled as she and Malon made a totally complicated handshake and neighed at the end.

"LET'S GO BRUSH SOME HORSES!" Malon said.

"And clean their poop up!" Ilia agreed.

"YEAH!" the two new best friends high-fived, then jumped out of the window and disappeared.

"Careful not to kill Epona, or she'll kill you instead!" Author warned half-heartedly.

Soon, neighing was heard, and Ilia's severed head came flying through the broken window.

It took a while, but then the head disappeared, and Ilia came back into the room, walking with her head attached to her body again!

"Hey! Sorry about that! Hell was still full, so they sent me back again! I'm sorry if I worried you!" she giggled.

"Yeah, don't worry, we're even sorrier than you are…" Midna mumbled.

"I bet the devil just didn't want her in hell. Even she doesn't belong in hell! She belongs somewhere worse…" Author grinned evilly as she typed something up. Ilia disappeared.

---

"Hello?" Ilia reappeared in a dark and wet cave.

"Is anyone there?" she asked as she saw a floating jellyfish.

"Hey! You! Jellyfish! Do you like horses?" she asked as the jellyfish stung her and floated away.

"I'll take that as a yes! Hey jellyfish! Come back! We still need to discuss horses!" she yelled as she ran after the jellyfish.

---

"Where did you send her?" WW Zelda suddenly appeared from behind the couch.

"In Lord Jabu Jabu's belly." Author shrugged.

"What?" TP Zelda screamed, dropping TP Ganondorf, still a pink fluffy bunny.

"Yeah, well, OoT Link still has the boomerang, so she won't be out for a while." She shrugged again.

"Good point…" OoT Zelda noticed, creating an awkward silence around the room.

"Now what…?" TP Ganondorf, still a bunny, asked everyone.

There was yet another pause, then Midna suggested.

"Let's have an awesome Super Smash Bros Brawl party to celebrate Ilia's disappearance!" she said as everyone cheered and grabbed a Wii remote and Nunchuk, tying them to their wrists.

Midna ran to the kitchen to get snacks as TP Ganondorf (Amazing how that little bunny could hold up the Wiimote and Nunchuk…), OoT Zelda, Tingle(who appeared out of nowhere, and will disappear if he starts dancing like a retard) and WW Zelda grabbed the remotes and stood ready to play. Ganondorf, the pink bunny, pointed at Tournament mode with 64 rounds, and they chose their characters and started.

"GO TP ZELDA!"

"GO FLUFFY!"

"MY NAME'S GANONDORF!"

"GO WW ZELDA!"

"Yeah, you'd better cheer for me if you don't wanna get shot out of a cannon!"

"GO OOT MALON!"

"What? She's not even participating!"

"TINGLE TINGLE KOOLOO-LIMPAH!"

Midna came in with a shotgun and shot Tingle. Tingle fell down dead and Midna took his place.

" Author let me do it. Now there are the snacks. So cheer for me or end up like this fat dude." She said, motioning to the twitching Tingle.

"ERR… GO MIDNA!"

"Let's go Twilight Princess!"

"Alright Midna!"

"I'm outta here…" Author muttered as she grabbed her laptop, a bag of chips, and a can of Nestea and disappeared just as Midna pwned TP Zelda's character, TP Zelda with her own character, Snake, and his awesome heat-seeker gun.


	7. Random Pairings & A Happy Ending

Chapter 7: A Bunch of Mini Random Pairings with Link (Pretend all the Links are back to normal. Except Dark Link. He's still emo, and refuses to change…)

********

OoT Link+ Nabooru:

"Do you know how old I am?" Nabooru asked as Link gulped down.

"No, and I don't wanna know!" he yelled, running out and away form the Gerudo's Fortress.

---

TP Link+ Telma:

"What the hell am I even doing here? I don't even like you!" Telma said as Link gulped down, looking in front of him.

"YOU PERVERT!" Telma yelled as she grabbed him by the neck and threw him out of her bar.

---

OoT Link+ Impa:

"Goddess dammit, who's stupid idea was this?" Impa and Link screamed at the same time.

---

OoT Link+ OoT Dark Link:

WTF IS YOU PEOPLE'S PROBLEM!? HOW CAN YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT STUFF! YAOI IS PLAIN WRONG AND DISGUSTING!

---

TP Link + OoT Malon:

"Err… Hi…" Link greeted her.

"I like horses!" Malon smiled. "And cows too!" she added.

"IT'S LIKE RELIVING ILIA ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!" he panicked, banging himself into a wall again.

---

LA Link+ LA Marin

"I'm a seagull under the orders of a floating giant fish that lives in an egg atop that mountain!" Marin clapped excitedly as Link slowly backed away… Slowly… THEN RAN!

---

FSA manga Green Link+ Elne:

"I like playing with a doll I named Rosy! And one day, I will become a doll myself, and a knight in shining armour will save me! Or maybe even FOUR KNIGHTS IN PURPLE, GREEN, RED AND BLUE ARMOURS!" her eyes twinkled.

FSA Green Link backed away and went back to the others.

"Completely crazy, just like we thought…" he sighed as Blue groaned of annoyance and Red started crying.

---

TP Link+ Author:

"FINALLY HALLELUJAH! I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T DO THIS BEFORE!" Author yelled as she jumped on Link and started kissing him.

"I THINK I LIKED ILIA BETTER!" TP Link yelled as he ran away.

"BUT I WON'T TATTOO A HEADLESS HORSE ON YOUR BACK!" Author yelled after him as she sighed and fainted.

---

OoT Adult Link+ Anju:

"Let's eat at Kakariko Fried Cucoos!" she cheered.

"I thought you were allergic to Cucoos…" Link mumbled.

"Yeah, but I don't think I'm allergic to fried Cucoos…" Anju shrugged.

_A Few Hours Later… At The Local Hospital…_

"Here are the diagnostics. It seems like she is even more allergic to fried Cucoos than to normal Cucoos." The doctor said as Link asked.

"How is she?"

"She'll be fine after a week of Cucoo pox…" The doctor said as Link sighed and happily walked away.

_One day later…_

"Doc, is Cucoo pox contagious?"

"No, it shouldn't be…" the Doctor replied.

"Then it's the restaurant's food that has defects…" Link muttered as he walked away with a thousand red spots over his face and hands.

---

TP Link+ Hena:

"Let's celebrate this first date by eating your Hylian Loach!" she cheered as she served the fired fish.

"YOU COOKED THAT HYLIAN LOACH I CAUGHT!?" he yelled at her.

"Yup!" she smiled.

"IT TOOK ME TEN DAYS STRAIGHT WITHOUT FOOD, WATER AND REST TO CATCH IT, AND IT WAS 45 POUNDS!" Link chocked on his anger as he fell from his chair onto the ground, twitching erratically.

---

"TP Link+ Queen Rutela:

"Um… I'm already married…" the Queen moved away from Link.

"Umm… You're already dead, and even if you weren't, I really wouldn't want my kids to come out looking like Hylian Pike hybrids or something…" Link mumbled as he walked away

"THAT'S WHAT I SAID FOR RUTO!" OoT Link yelled out of nowhere, curling up in his ball and rolling away again.

---

AND FINALLY! (Any) LINK+ (Any) ZELDA!:

"I think we can finally relax…" Link sighed as he and Zelda sat around a table with food and candles on it.

"It sure is beautiful tonight…" Zelda commented.

"Yes… The stars shine like your sparkling blue eyes… And the moon radiates on your eternal beauty… Zelda, you only lack wings to look like an angel…" Link said, looking at her deeply in her eyes.

"I didn't make him say that. He said it on his own." Author cleared for everyone that was hiding with her in a bush not far away from the loving couple.

"Link… You're so courageous… You're so… nice… I don't know what I would do without you…" she said with a smile, inviting him up.

They enlaced arms and started walking around the courtyard.

"Zelda… I've always wanted to say one thing, but even the Triforce of Courage wasn't strong enough to let me say it…" Link blushed as they walked around.

"What is it Link?" she asked, also blushing.

"Zelda, the thing is… That I love you…" he smiled at her.

"Oh Link… And the other thing is… That I love you too…" she smiled as they exchanged one more glance, then they fell into each others' arms, kissing each other in a deep passion.

"AAAAAAW!" Author commented as she popped out of the bushes she was hiding in. From all around the trees and bushes in the courtyard, all the games' LinkxZelda couples popped up and started kissing each other in a never-ending embrace radiating nothing but pure love.

Midna and the Ganondorfs, as well as Malon and Ilia, tied up and gagged so they wouldn't make any sounds, joined Author as she watched the beautiful scene while sighing of joy.

Look how happy they are…" she said. "That's cute…" she sighed.

"I love you Link…"

"Oh Zelda, I love you too!"

"Aaaw… That's sweet now…" Author said again, sighing once more.

"I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH!"

"DON'T EVER LET ME GO! I WANNA BE IN YOUR ARMS FOREVER!"

"Now, it's getting awkward…" Author said, giving the couples some sceptical looks.

"DON'T EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN!"

"I SWEAR I WON'T LET YOU GO!"

"And, now it's just plain creepy." She said as she turned around.

"Let's get outta here and leave these lovebirds to themselves." She said as she and all the ones who weren't Link or Zelda disappeared.

---

They reappeared on the balcony that gave over the courtyard and Author drew up her laptop again.

"Aw… Now, it's truly a happy ending…" she said, writing the ending of her fic.

"Yup…" Midna said as Tingle suddenly reappeared in the sky with his balloon.

"TINGLE TINGLE KOOLOO-LIMPAH!" he yelled as Midna took her gun and shot him again. Tingle dropped silently.

"Well, there goes MM Tingle and OoT Tingle… Now all that remains if WW Tingle…" Midna blew over her gun to dissipate the smoke, and then made it disappear.

"Yup… Who knew…" Author commented as she wrote the last line with a sad smile…

"_Who knew that the Links could finally get their happy ending…?"_


End file.
